recent wonderings

Kevin and I have been talking a lot lately about where our life is right now and where we want to be. After a recent trip back to Texas we realized just how much we miss it. We miss having good friends to spend the weekends with. Playing cards and enjoying good uplifting conversation. We miss the Texas environment and the friendly people. So why not move back? Well, we are considering it. The problem is we moved back to Colorado to be close to my family. I like that I am close to my family, though at times it gets overally dramatic and I don't know why I am living here close to them. Anyway, we miss Texas a lot and we always said we would move back one day. I knew coming back to Colorado would not be a perminant move... but could it only be a move for a couple of years? Could we really move back to Texas in another year or so. Unfortunatly I do not have the answer to this question right now. If it wasn't for my family, we would move back without a doubt. But there is more to consider here. If we move back where would we move...back to Lubbock? I don't know... only time will tell. On another note, I am looking into another Masters program. Not in Education and DEFENITLY not from ACU. I am actually considering a Masters in Family Life Education or a Masters in Counseling from LCU. I want to work with children and families but I do not want to do this through the education field. I don't know right now that I am going to start either of these programs or if I even want to. I am just looking at them. All I know is that as much as I love my job, I will not keep this job for more then another year as it barely pays the bills. I also have to consider what I will do if I return to Texas. How will I contribute to our finances and how will we eventually be able to reach our goal of being able to adopt a child. There are so many things we have to figure out. I can tell that there are many changes to come.

Vacation

We are so excited in less then a week we get to go back to Texas for a whole week. While a lot of our friends have moved out of Lubbock we are excited to be able to spend time with those that are still there. I never thought we would say this but we BOTH miss West Texas so much. Then again, its mainly the people. Therefore it would be nice if we could just move all our friends up here. Common the weather is wonderful most of the time. :-) And when you look to the west its not a red cloud of dust :-D. But in all seriousness we are supper excited. I will probably be posting on the reverse said of the trip how much we hated to leave.

mundane

Spinning circles in a mundane existence where the repetitiveness of life has got us trapped in a never-ending black whole.  These are the words that seem to express us right now.  Each day the same as the day before.  We love each other and are committed to each other more and more everyday.  It is difficult dealing with health issues that reek havoc on our emotions and physical abilities as well.  The strain takes its toll.  As we approach our 4-year anniversary we find ourselves in uncharted territory.  Do not hear me incorrectly…. Our marriage is not on rocky ground, but that does not mean there are not struggles.  I wish it were as easy to just follow through with the thought “when life gives you lemons you make lemonade”.  Over the previous year life has thrown some pretty nasty curves our way.  Being told that we are very likely never going to be able to conceive a child of our own was difficult enough without all the nasty side effects of the diagnosis that makes it such.  While we do not seem to be in agreement about a lot of things recently the one thing that we are now and will always be in agreement about is that we love each other and that we are committed to each other through the good and the bad, in sickness and when we are just sick of each other.  We are thankful that though there are struggles we still have one another, to have and to hold.   We have our Father who brought us together and we will overcome.

an unexpected turn of events

We have been trying to get pregnant for more than two years. We finally got a doctors appointment and the doctor refered us to a specialest. After several tests we have been told that results were consistant with Premature Ovarian Failure. This means while its not totally impossible for us to get pregnant it is very unlikely. The doctor informed us that there was nothing medically they can do to increase my chances of conceiving or to reverse the ovarian failure. We are now considering and discussing our options and will write about where we are going next. Much love to all those who read this blog.

changes

Life can be a funny thing, it seldom seems to follow the expected or antisipated plan. A year ago I started a Masters program, studying to be a special education teacher. Now after thousands of dollars in loans and countless hours studying I find myself at an impass. Looking into alternatives I have found that my best option besides doing an alternative teacher licensing program is to enroll in a program that is one night a week, and will take 2 years to complete. It is not a special education program, but instead an elementary education program. I have missed the deadline for this semester though, so if I do this program I will not be able to start until June or July. Another option I have found is an alternative program. If accepted to the program, I would begin teaching with a mentor teacher in the fall and be taking classes for a masters at the same time. I would not be paid as a normal teacher, instead I would recieve at $10,000 stipend for the year. The problem, the enrollment deadline is in March and in order to qualify I have to be signed up for the closest Prexis 2 test date possible the beginning of March. I don't know that I am prepared or if I can possibly be prepared to take such an extensive exam so soon. If I miss this deadline, this program would not be an option until next year. I am met with another decision that has to be made in a timely fashion. All of this pails in comparison to the fact that I don't really know whether or not I even want to be a teacher. Eventually, I want to own a home and run an in home daycare. Obviously living in a 1 bedroom apartment is not a condusive place for a daycare. Working where I am working now, as much as I love my job does not provide me with the money necessary to save in order to find a place of our own. This is why I initally thought of teaching, but I am not sure its worth all the time, effort, and money to do another 2 year program. Now, when I felt like I had things figured out things are up in the air again.

Thankfully, Kevin seems content at the moment with working at the bank. He has considered doing a Masters program but is thinking about it carefully as we have decided that we don't want either of us to start another program without truly making the comment to finish it. Why waste all that money. It will be interesting to see what he decides he is going to do.

Kevin's birthday is a week from tomorrow, and he will be 26. As I have just recently celebrated my 24th birthday we are both reminded of where we thought we would be at this time in our lives. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be married to such an amazing man, or that I would be living back in Colorado. I am so thankfull for the blessings that God has given me, and the fact that even through this time of uncertainity and self-doubt he has blessed me with someone to share my thoughts, worries, and doubts with. Someone to hold me in times when I just want to cry and to laugh with me when I am acting stupid. :-)

Kevin and I are going to be moving to a new apartment in just 2 weeks. I am so excited and can't wait. The stress of moving doesn't even bother me right now (with the exception that we don't know how we are possibly going to move our big couch). Although we are downsizing from a 1 bedroom 906 sq ft apartment to a 1 bedroom 560 sq ft apartment I can't wait. I am ready for a change, and ready to be able to save a bit of money without stressing each month how we will be able to set anything aside. I like the layout of the new apartment as well. On top of everything, we get the added benefit of getting accent walls. I got to go pickout paint colors... 1 for my bedroom and 1 for our dining area. :-) Yay for not having white walls. I am hoping that it will allow me to feel a little more at home. It is also with in walking distance of my moms house and over looks a walking park. It is also right behind a library, so thats also fun.

Anyway, I know this entry has been a little random but I have lots of things on my mind :-) hope life is treating each of you well.

New Year

At the start of a new year one finds themself looking back, searching where they once were and where they are going. Just a few years ago, we had just gotten married along with many of our friends. We lived in what we refered to as the LCU bubble. Life was great, seeing friends several times a week, being together, things were simpler. Just 3 years later, we find ourselves in a place where our closest friends are hundreds of miles away from us. Our social life consists of play cards with mom/mom in law and her friends. We go to church, though in a congregation of over 800 people it is easy to feel lost. We find ourselves walking through the day to day life. With work, family, and church it seems like things can just keep moving, rolling on without really noticing it.

It has been two years now, two years since we decided that it would be nice to have a family. Two years since we made the decision to stop taking birth control and to let God have control. It can be deficult at times, to trust that is. To trust, that God will provide for us, provide a family when it is his will. When we got of BC we new that it would probably take a little while to be able to conceive a child, but it never occured to either of us that it might take this long.

Looking at this new year, and at what things might come we hope that perhaps this is the year God has choosen to bless us with child, but if not we know that he is with us and that he will guide us. For now, we continue living our lives, trying not to let time just pass us by. We embrace each others wants and desires and we look forward to the many years that are still to come. Our prayers go out to all, that this new year will be full of many blessings. We pray that life will not pass you by and that you will remember, to embrace what God has given you, and to count your many blessings.

To a Happy New Year! God Bless.